I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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