hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
