I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dick very happy bro
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
