On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My life is pants optional.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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