hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
