Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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