Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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