my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Everything about him screamed your future.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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