There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Your cock deserves a montage
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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