Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
