capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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