I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
