Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
