Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
