I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Every concussion has its silver lining
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
