I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
