i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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