I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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