when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
