I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
