cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
