my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
