Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
