In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
