i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
