yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
