So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
