walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
