make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
