I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
