I can feel you judging me through the phone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
third nipple confirmed
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
