My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
