Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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