Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It all started with a game of naked twister.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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