I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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