im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
