Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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