We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
