We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
