You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
