I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
