you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
