when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
