Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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