I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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