I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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