Pants 0. Shit 1.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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