This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
