Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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