I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
