I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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