I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
