Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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