Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
