I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
