Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
