I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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