I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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