I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
