Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
she smelled like a LAN party
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
