We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
