high people should be assigned attendants
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
