she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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