Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
