and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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