dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
