Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
