You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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