just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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