captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
