saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Rumble strips road head = magical
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We're too hungover to prance.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
