I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
