I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
